My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
