I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
