Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
