highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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