it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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