all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
