Got a toothbrush?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Ladies don't puke and tell
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
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