I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
