Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
