somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Will exercising make me less horny?
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