So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
