im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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