I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
