Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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