How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
