I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
