why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
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frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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