I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
