btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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