You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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