I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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