She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
