my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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