OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
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She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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