take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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