Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
