Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
