I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
