I wish I could punch you in the face.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Let's get the cat blown out
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
