Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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