My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize