What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
