and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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