you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
