My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
