were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
