We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
