If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
