The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
