dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
