Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
