2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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