If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
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He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
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I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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