you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
it's like heaven, but drunker
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
