you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
