he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
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He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
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A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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