How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
