I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
