around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
