Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
