you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
