I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
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I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
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I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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