my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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